Monday, October 1, 2012

Spookylicious Pop-Tarts: A Cautionary Tale.

Once upon a time, a long time ago in the far away land of last October, a good wife and a bad husband bought Halloween Pop-Tarts and they were spooktacular.

Upon first bite these pop-tarts were deemed good and right and even more than that, delicious.The good wife and the bad husband agreed to split these pop-tarts which consisted of 6 packs containing 2 each. The box can only hold 12 of these seasonal delights.

"Fair is fair, said the good wife, and even split is just the thing.”

Husband agreed in an instant, but after eating these delicious Spookylicious Pop-Tarts the husband could not contain is greed. Lost in magic and sugary delight the bad husband quickly finished his 3 packs. It took less than a week but he  hungrily ate all 6 tarts without a thought as to what he would do when they were finished. He was not satisfied. Meanwhile, the good wife slowly enjoyed her pop-tarts savoring each and every one of them enjoying them through the whole month of October, unlike her husband who had stuffed his face and finished his all too fast.

The good wife is a nurse, and it is her job was to see new babies arrive safely into the world. As is the nature of babies they will come when they will and given that October is a rich month for births, it is with no shock that the good wife was whisked away to work for 5 days straight, as stork after stork arrived with bundles full of new born babes. With great care the good wife unwrapped each bundle and helped bring joy to many new mothers and fathers across the land.

At home the bad husband stalked the kitchen greedily licking his chops as he stared at the final packet of Spookylicious Pop-Tarts they were the only two that remained. On the 3rd straight day of work  for the wife, the husband’s food stuffs had food ran short.  With the wife so busy at work she was unable to complete her duties and do the shopping, this meant the husband had grown hungry and weak. On this terrible day the husband's will ran as short as the food supply, without further though the husband strode into the kitchen, threw open the cupboards and set upon on the pop-tarts, scarfing them down with no thought of his wife's disappointment, his broken word, or the the folly that would surely follow.

When the good wife arrived home on the morning of the 6th day she was famished, delivering babies is exhausting work and leads to a powerful appetite. When she went to the kitchen to fetch a spooky treat, the cupboard was bare. She exclaimed in shock "Husband we have been robbed, someone has stolen my last packet of  my special pop-tarts."

The husband grunted and went to the kitchen,  "Don't be ridiculous, you silly girl. I ate the last tasty tart."
"No" gasped the wife, we agreed to split them fair and square. The bad husband laughed a bellowing laugh as he rubbed his all too full stomach. "Calm yourself woman" he said "I will hunt you down more Pop-Tarts, fear not your famine will soon be over, it is not as if these are the last Halloween Pop-Tarts in the land. The bad husband  had no idea just how wrong he was.

The  good wife could only nod as she was far too hungry and weak from lack of tasty Halloween pop-tarty treats.

The bad husband looked at the sad state of his good wife and in that moment he felt guilt, and remorse for what he had done. He took what was not his, and he broke his word.  He knew his wife was good and deserved better, so he resigned himself to hunting for more of these seasonal treats. He would make good on his word no matter what the cost, but in the dark secret place of the bad husbands mind he also knew this would mean more Spookylicious Pop-Tarts for him. He tried to push away the thought but couldn't. We must be careful for what is easily made is hard to unmake. The husband set out and made haste, leaving his good wife with an empty stomach. The wife could hardly sleep for the hunger pains stabbed at her terribly The good wife had worked 5 days straight and was so exhausted that despite the hunger and disappointment sleep did take immediately take her. Her last thought was that her husband would do right, and would make good on his promise, and it was this thought that finally eased he enough to let sleep come, but it was not to be.

husband despite his bad ways, did search long and hard. Every Grocer in the land was called on, and everyone had the same tale. "Alas poor Sir" they said, “Spookylicious Pop-Tarts are a might popular and tasty as you obviously know. We have sold through our stock and surplus. We expect no more shipments.” The bad husband raged, "But it is only 17th day of October, we still have a fortnight of this cursed month. What will we fill our stomach with if not SPOOKTACULAR POP-TARTS?" Despite his anger, despite his threats no grocer could help him, the husband would have to return home with only another broken promise in hand.  

When finally he returned to his home, he paced dreading the moment his goodly wife would awake, dreading the moment where he would have to explain. A short time later she awoke and brought herself from her chambers and came to him. She beamed, joy and expectation shining in her face "Hello my good husband, did you find them, did you do as you said you would?" The bad husband frowned at her, she knew the truth before the words were spoken, Her smile faltered and turned upon itself and became a frown. The husband did not speak, he only stared at his feet as if they might offer up some advice. He dare not break the silence. The good wife was not afraid of the silence and so she spoke and said, ' it is okay my dear, I can just have something else." She had released him from his promise but the not from her disappointment. He tried to attend her, The bad husband asked, "Are you okay?" Her response was the practiced lie that every woman is taught as a young girl. “I'm Fine, she lied. With those words the husband knew his fate It would be another full turn of the seasons before another batch of Spookylicious Pop-tarts could be had and the year would be long, and cold, but he must endure.

10 Months later

10 months ago on that weary October morning the once good and kind wife had a shadow placed on her and in that shadow her normal kindness was dulled and her warm and tender nature frosted. The good wife that the Husband remembered was almost gone, the shadow wife had grow prominent and with her prominence  came many joke and jibes about Spookylicious Pop-tarts and the husbands greed, his weakness and his failures. These thorns had been brought to bear on the husband by the wife for reasons the he could not fathom. No friend was spared the tale of the husbands misdeed either, every guest was regaled and delighted by the loathsome tale. Husband bore this shame as foil wrapped treat on his heart, but with the dawn of harvest, the husband would soon  be able to lay his shame down and reap his forgiveness. Husband had a plan and began his search early. He looking high and low, questioning every grocer but none knew if the Spookylicious Pop-Tarts would ever return. This was troubling news for Husband he began to despair. The key to the life he once knew lay in a box of foil wrapped seasonal delight. Husband must find them no matter what the cost.  Days went by and September shrank into nothingness and finally the calendar turned and the date read October 1st. The formerly bad husband had become thoroughly desperate as no  Spooktacular Pop-Tarts seemed destined to appear.  As the sun plunged behind the mountains finding it’s nightly resting place he knew what he had to do. In a  delirious rush he ran for the Electric Church, on the plinth at the base of the alter Husband  prayed to the Great Trader. His prayer rang out with a  clickety click click clak, “Great Trader hear my prayers and deliver me from the sorrow I have wrought upon my family and deliver unto me with the power of prime an answer.

What happened next, none could say

Moral of the Story: Don’t eat your wife's last pop-tart or you may spend the next year stalking the cereal and seasonal aisle of every grocery store and target you enter. I know these pop-tarts were reissued but for whatever reason never made it to my area of California. As a last resort to end the constant ridicule I did indeed pay nearly $20 for a box of Pop-Tarts.

This account is mostly true,  my wife is awesome, and I did eat the last pop-tart. The parts of this story that aren’t true are how my wife reacted. She has teased me for a whole year and yes, she has told our friends but never ever in a mean spirited fashion. This blog post was written for her and you to enjoy, I know this has nothing to do with video games, but eating that last pop-tart and assuming I’d just get more was truly a game over moment for me. I  won’t do post like this very often and possible ever again but it’s October the best month of the year and I decided to cut loose, I hope no one is too offended by me going off-topic.